.
Let's be honest...you don't love me. Not really. Not if you're protesting or voting to keep me from having equal rights.
I could care less about the word "marriage." I have always believed it is a mistake for the Gay Community to fight so hard and spend so much money for equality in marriage. The real equality comes from receiving the same protections as any heterosexual couple. Other than that, I don't give a damn what word describes it.
I've recently read that I'm "sexually confused" "immoral" "perverted" that I "participate in degrading and perverted behavior" and that there is no "compromise with...perverts." All of these comments came from members of the mormon church; which, I find ironic, since their original founding leaders were sexual predators and pedophiles...what else do you call it when you marry dozens of girls (some of which are still married to other men) and have sexual intercourse with 14 years old? And you convince them that their Eternal Salvation relies on their accepting the marriage. And if these marriages were truly the will of God, why did Joseph Smith hide these marriages from his original wife, Emma?
Those are ugly words. And I'd like to set the record straight. I have nothing against members of the mormon faith as a whole. But I do have issues with their leadership and those bigots that hide behind their religion. But that goes for every religion...not just the mormons. I despise watching good people being manipulated and used to preserve the lavish lifestyle of a few greedy men.
The mormon leaders should be severely admonished by their followers for releasing a statement in support of the anti-discrimination laws recently passed in Salt Lake County. The mormon church has no more right to approve of anti-discrimination laws than they have the right to try and influence passage of laws that will discriminate. It is actually disgusting to me that the mormon leaders want to pick and choose which discrimination laws should be in place.
While speaking to my niece, I realized some of these people don't even understand the reasons that gay people are fighting for rights. And let's face it, some simply won't care and will refuse to admit that gays deserve any rights, since, in their minds, we are perverse, immoral, sinners, and "the greatest threat to America."
Never-the-less, I'd like to list some of the reasons we are fighting. This is directed to young and impressionable minds who are on the verge of thinking for themselves; so that they might have a chance of understanding what the fuss is all about:
Before I begin, I'd also like to point out that Michael and I have "been together" for 12 years. Longer than most marriages in the U.S., since the average length of a marriage in this Country is 7.4 years. So what does that say about our commitment verses opposite-sex marriages?
Here's the list:
1. Hospital Visitation.- I do not have the right to visit Michael if he is hurt, or becomes sick, and is admitted into
into the hospital. A married spouse has the ultimate right of visitation and can even prevent parents and siblings from visiting.
2. Death Decisions.
-I do not have the right to have any say about his final wishes in regards to life support and
burial. A married spouse, under normal circumstances, has the only say in this matter.
3. Inheritance.
- If Michael were to die, his estate does not automatically transfer to me as it would with
a married couple. I would have to inherit it, and his estate would be subject to Estate Tax.
The IRS would calculate his entire estate as a whole figure and collect the tax before I
had any claim to it. This includes his half of any property, such as our home, we own
together.
- The estate of a married couple automatically transfers to the spouse without being subjected to any Estate Tax.
4. Funeral Leave.
- Recently, we had a death in the family. Michael could not attend because he is not legally related and has no right to funeral leave. I was asked by several if he could just take vacation...my response is why should he have to?
5. Retirement Funds.
- If I were to die, Michael has no claim to my retirement. He receives no survival benefits. His income will be reduced significantly.
6. Medical Insurance.
- I can not add Michael onto my medical insurance. Even if I worked for a company that
provides "partner benefits" and could add him, the law states the premiums we pay
towards his insurance is considered Income and is supposed to be declared by him as such,
which means he then has to pay income taxes on the Medical Insurance premiums.
So, you see. As a committed couple, who has survived longer than most married couples in this Country, we are not treated as equals. So how can you possibly expect me to believe that you love me or you support me...when you are trying to keep me from achieving equality in the security of my relationship.
Let the heterosexual couples keep the word "marriage" for themselves. So what!? I just want assurances that Michael is safe and secure if I'm not able to be here to help.
...
That's the crux of the discussion. Readers should appreciate the succinctness of these points. I understand the factual statements about equal rights as humans. I struggle with peace and balance in my own tumultuous soul. As a Humanist, I profess to grant every human a certain degree of respect, based solely on the fact that he/she is human. I expect they probably do the same to me. Any additional respect comes from direct contact and views on common points. For that, to some unrelated extent and for some seemingly unrelated rational, I understand your unrest. I sometimes feel uncomfortable with your vitriolic diatribe. Hate and discontent never seems to sum up to harmony. You fight the human rights fight. The Hyperbole of "You don't love me, because you take away my right to exist!" seems employed to manipulate. It is as untrue, unfair and hurtful to the family, as it would be if it were said about a family member making another life altering decision, such as leaving or accepting a particular religion, or dating or marrying someone from another nationality or ethnic background. For you to say,"tough luck." or "screw the feelings of the family." only supports my position. I guess all love is conditional, even when self righteous hypocrites say that it is not. I fear further separation in the family and you ostracizing yourself as a lonely bitter old man with lot to say, but nobody who will listen.
ReplyDeleteI love you. I support you. I have no reservations. I agree with your position. But that does nothing and means nothing to you and your fight, and your dilemmas. I simply feel very strongly that with the generation more advanced in age than we winding down, that the bond of family is our responsibility, and it is weighing on my mind. Don't push away those that do love you simply for the sake of a sound byte. I'm not afraid to leave my name, I simply know that you have a propensity to attack with a vengeance those that engage you. So let's dialogue.
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ReplyDeleteI can see where some members of my family might take it personally, or be offended, by this blog entry from the way the opening paragraph reads. I did not intend this to be solely directed at my family. This blog entry is an open letter to the world in general.
But there are some comments I'd like to address:
To address the comment about my statements being employed to manipulate, I agree. There can never be a debate without a form of manipulation being involved. All advertisment is a form of manipulation.
I may come across as a bitter, old man sometimes. But come on, really? OLD?? that hurts.
And the bitterness comes from keeping my mouth shut for 48 years while listening to people around me tell me that gays should be killed and wiped off the face of the Earth...or that I'm not good enough to be a role model...or that no gay man should ever be allowed to have a job that has any contact with the public...or my mother telling me (at the tender age of 16) that she couldn't handle it if one of her sons came home and told her that he was gay. Forty-eight years of listening to degrading comments and not speaking out. That bitterness is directed inward but expressed outward. My conscience caught up to me.
I spent most of my adult life alone because I was mistakenly convinced I would never be in a relationship...simply because it was unacceptable. That, too, created bitterness.
My goal is to touch 2 people. The first is any young gay person who is in the process of building defensive walls keeping friends and family from getting to know them...as I did. Those walls prevent you from experiencing happiness. You can't expect others to accept you if you aren't willing to accept yourself. Not everyone will welcome you, but most will.
The 2nd person I hope to reach is 1 non-gay person who has been trained to believe homosexuality is a chosen life style. Think for yourself. The idea that I've chosen to live a life filled with hate and contemptment is absurd. Why would I choose a life style that has resulted in torment, assault, abuse, vandalism of my home and business, threats, a noose being placed on my home, repeated anonymous phone calls in the middle of the night, and always being in fear of being fired from my jobs. A lifetime of it...from the age of nine to the age of forty-nine.
The saddest part is that I expect it to continue throughout the rest of my life.
I think that I beyond frustration of convincing others of what I'm missing out on by loving someone, even if that someone doesn't fit the text book! I'm done convincing others that I'm a nice girl, that I work hard and am a productive citizen. For Christ sakes a felon, who is incarcerated, can get married but I can't? Not to say that I want the term marriage attached to my relationship, but that CONVICTED Felon is allowed to protect a person they are not sharing a home with. .
ReplyDeleteI'm done with pulling out the big crayons and over explaining what I'm missing out on. .
If you don't like who or what I am. . . the front door is that way.
Love ya Dave!!!! You'll always be family to me and I accept YOU, all of YOU even if your an asshole sometimes :)
I mourn extremism in any form. Religious, Social, Political, Rhetorical, and etc... Social injustice must be fought, changed. It is just so painful. I know for you, and from any person who has suffered these injustices, it is more than just uncomfortable, more than just painful. For those of us who support change but are not overtly part of the fight, we must seem to be wishy washy woosie non-participants, and I guess we are. Maybe you even view us/me as part of the problem, part of the enemy. I hope you don't. I guess in a war, it is often said, "If you are not with us, then you are against us." I have always viewed that as extremism, and I could never stomach, much less adhere to the mentality: "I'm totally right, thus you are totally wrong." I must say I feel that just as soon as you lambast us non gay non activists with your intolerance, you perpetrate on us, exactly what you fight to abolish. I haven't ever asked you to explain to me who you are, what you are, why you are. I don't need or deserve to know. But I enjoy discovering those things because of my love for you personally, and would hope that you would want to know, and care about the same for me, because of your love for me. That is why I choose to dialogue. I believe the answer for me, whatever that may mean, or be, is in the dialogue. Thank you for letting me participate.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the dialogue. In all misunderstandings, I think it is helpful to open and maintain dialogue. But I'm curious what you're trying to accomplish through it. A better understanding of me? of the gay issue as a whole? perhaps some peace and balance you mentioned earlier?
ReplyDeleteI don't expect most people to stand up and take action. That simply isn't a reality. And I've never believed that people should ever take a stand if they aren't totally comfortable in doing so. People have a lot to loose by taking a stand on this, or any other emotionally charged, issue.
I've never subscribed to the mentality that if you are not with us you must be against us. And I've never asked, better yet demanded, anyone to stand up and be counted who isn't ready to be involved. There have been members of my family who have publicly, or privatel, shown support for me; and I've let them know I appreciate it. And I've never had an expectation of on-going, long-term, constant showing of support from anyone. But, I must admit, it would be nice.
But, I do subscribed to the philosophy of "lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way". You make it sound as if I've bombarded you with gay propaganda. This simply isn't true. With exception of one, every message I've written outside of my blog is a response to an email received from a thoughtless sender who included me in anti-gay messages. I don't believe anyone has done so maliciously...just thoughtlessly. I have never charged an innocent bystander.
And when it comes to securing stability in my relationship, thus achieving legal rights to be treated fair and equal, I am totally right. My relationship should not be viewed any differently than your's. So if you believe that I exhume a mentality of "I'm totally right and you are totally wrong" then I will agree upon that point. I believe the gay community's arguement in securing legal rights to preserve and protect our relationships is totally right. Although, as I've said a number of times, I believe the gay community should give up their fight for "marriage" and concentrate on the more important issues. I believe they've become clouded in their goals.
The only intolerance I have is to religion. Not to people in the religions, but religion as an institution. Particulary when good people are used in order to bring an over abundance of power and wealth to the leaders. Christ would give his last crumb to a starving child. Why don't churches? Especially when those religions profess to be "Christ's Church".
I think this is very well written, and indeed true! Thank you for the add on facebook, and for letting me read your blog. I sat down and read it aloud to my roommate last night, and then he requested the link to follow you as well. We are both right there with you, fighting for equality and for justice!
ReplyDeleteMuch love and support!
Thank-you, Angie...to you and your roommate. I hope I do you proud.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of one of your entries, I believe the entry dated November 14th, you stated that you have been harrassed or in some way emotionally, physically, or socially mistreated for your life choice/style since from the age of nine. Please share a little insight. This is not morbid curiosity. You have reached a chord in me not yet known but by few others. Will you reveal how you knew at age 9 that you were gay. I do not recall that I was socially trained by that time that I should like boys or girls. What would that have been third grade? If you feel comfortable in sharing a bit of your history and development. Please don't take offense. I am prying for personal reasons. I'd like to know where, how and when you first became aware that you were gay. Was it just an awareness that you were different, or that you preferred different things or ways of doing things from your male counterparts? I will reveal to you why I ask. When I was five, I had an incestous homosexual encounter with a family member. Well actually two. I was led into the situation by an older brother, who I deeply admired, as was my slightly older sibling. We were locked in a bedroom we shared. Our clothes were coaxed off of us, and playful touching began. A game of sorts developed. I know I sucked one dick, and I know that my dick was sucked. I did not know how to do that, but I was taught that by someone I trusted. Was it the same way for you. Did someone show you how. Did someone playfully experiment with you. Is that how you were introduced to same sex affection? That is the way I was introduced to it.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what this dialogue has done, and since this will be my last communication with you, let me say that I do remember that incident. You must remember it better than I, since I haven't a clue of the ages. However, it was obviously a tragic event for you at such a young age. I'll bear that burden for the rest of my life.
ReplyDeleteI find it unfortunate that you believe that we, as humans, are "socially trained" to either like girls or boys. Being gay isn't like being trained to mimic behavior leading to spousal abuse, or child abuse, or even a sex offenses.
As for the history and development you ask for...
You can't possibly expect anyone to believe that a 9 year old isn't aware of their sexuality. They may not be able to define it or explain it, but they are aware of it.
As a result of my trusting people with my sexuality, I was beaten up and force fed many times. On one occasion, I was handed off to another older teen in the neighborhood. In the past, I've used the words "pimped out" but in all honesty, and fairness, I don't know if money or favors or cigarettes were exchanged. I learned very early to keep my mouth shut...no pun intended.
But, that was after I became aware that I was not like the majority of my male couterparts.
If I'm reading your emotions correctly, you have it in your mind that I am referring to family members. Just pointing out that you are the only one who pointed fingers to a family member as an abuser.
So now, we've come to the end of this dialogue. I feel badly that you needed to be passive-aggressively antatonistic.
For a moment, I lost sight of the fact that this is MY blog. MY opinion. This is MY space to use as theropy. You've tried wrestling control and try to shame me as payback for writing what you consider to be hurtful things.
Feel free to start your own blog for continued theropy.
Eventhough I did not direct the original blog entry to be a personal attack on your family, I'm glad you took it personal enough to get a few comments off your chest.